Twenty Six.

Uncomfortable in my own "skin".
Twenty Six Characters that tell you everything you need to know about me.

At almost 300 pounds that girl in that photo isn't letting on how uncomfortable she in her skin.
But I am.

Most days my skin feels awkward.
And ugly.
And uncomfortable.
And most days, I feel like people must see me as awkward.
And ugly.
And uncomfortable.

And most days, I feel unworthy.
And uncomfortable
In 
My
Own
Skin.

And I know what you might be thinking, "But not anymore."

And the truth is.
Yes.  Anymore.
Everyday.
And a lot right this moment.
Unworthiness.
And ugliness.
Have seeped their way forward.
And I worry.
As I often do.
That this feeling will always feel this way.

Ugly.
And unworthy.
And I worry.
As I often do.
That I'm taking up too much space in the great big world.
And maybe it'd be better without me.

That's my truth.
But.
Just as the uncomfortableness becomes unbearable.
And my skin - living in it - becomes unbearable.

Someone does something.
Says something.
Calls.
Spend 2 hours on the phone with me.
Loves me.
Laughs with me.
At me.
For me.
Runs.
Messages me.
Believes in me.


And reminds me.
That while I hate taking up space.
Ugly space.
Awkward space.


I'm allowed to.
Just like I'm allowed to matter.
And you're allowed to matter.
No matter how uncomfortable the skin we're in.

8 comments:

  1. Beautiful. Sad. REAL. I hear you. I can stand with you in this feeling.

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  2. Wow. You could've been speaking right out of my head. Thanks for sharing.

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  3. Thank you so much for writing this. There's something so powerful about putting such vulnerable emotions up for complete strangers to look at. I never stop being amazed at how so many people can feel so alike and come from such different backgrounds. As a former bulimic the taking up space resonates so much with me and was something I used to feel so aware of my amount of space and I'd want to make myself as small and as weak and as invisible as I could. It's only after years of being recovered, and making gains in my fitness that my space is a powerful thing, it's a body that runs and moves and is strong and like you said so well it does matter.

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    Replies
    1. Amen, sister. Amen. And in truth, so many people with body issues struggle ALONE all the same. I've been diagnosed with body dismorphia and it plays such a strong role in my every day life - but the more open I can be about it - the better I can live. The more I can matter. :)

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