Happy Birthdays and Therapy Thursdays


First and FOREMOST.
A VERY VERY VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST TRAINER THAT EVER WAS:
JOLI!

I wish I was home for a Birthday WOD, but you know I love you even from my travels.  Thanks for blessing the world with your energy and intelligence, passion, and dedication – YOU ROCK!  And I hope your birthday does too!


It’s therapy Thursday.
And I’m the road.

Hopped a flight early this morning bound for my first stop in Detriot, MI.

Thanks Delta! (For never losing my bag and holding the flight for me this morning – ROCKSTARS!)
I really enjoy traveling with you!

I also like practicing some of what I’m working on in Therapy, in the quietness of the flight.
Being still.
With me.
Present.
And trying to listen to the small voices that worry, and are scared, and afraid of being a disappointment, and feeling ugly and shame, and just letting me feel those things.

It’s tough work, a life long process of learning to love and accept myself just the way I am.

And all.

But earlier this week, I started talking about BDD.
And I didn’t realize how many of you didn’t know about it or would want to know more.

I wanted to make sure folks that needed more information – got a little bit here.
One of the biggest differences from feeling something unhappy or displeased about the way you look and a BDD diagnosis and that what I am thinking about my body MAY or may NOT be real.

For example.
And we’re getting real here.
Like, really real.

I looked at this photo of myself from back at the beginning of the Extreme Year at Arizona Boot Camp and thought this think:

“Wow, I looked skinnier in that photo than I do now.”


“People must be so disappointed with how I look now.  I look so big now. “

And I stared at my face hard and my next think was:

“You’re so fat.  You’re so ugly now, you shouldn’t be a wearing this medium dress.  People are looking at you and thinking about how fat you look in this dress.”

And then my little kid self, the one I really want to take care of started to hyperventilate.

And I thought, as I often do, that my thinks are out of whack, because the way I see myself isn’t actually accurate.

Someone had commented that perhaps plastic surgery would help with my jiggly thighs.

But the truth is, the real unacceptable truth, is that they aren’t.
And most people wouldn’t look at them and say they were.

They don’t touch.
They don’t jiggle when I walk.
Or run.
Or even rub together.

They just are.

And in my head, they are huge.
They look like Jello in a sausage link.

And the cognitive, smart, M.Ed side of me knows that’s not real.
But the feel something inside of me, broken piece, knows people are just being nice when they don’t talk about it.

And that the cognitive side is just lying to itself.
Because it really is ugly.

I could pursue plastic surgery to remedy the jiggle, or make the loose skin on my arms go away, but in the end.

It wouldn’t change the way I feel about myself.
Because it’s a feeling.
Not a medical dysfunction.

Not a real issue.
Just one my mind races around daily.

And so.
Evidence of my thighs.

I bought three bikinis this summer.
Because I wanted to pretend like my BDD wasn’t that big of a deal.



And then I could never wear them in public.
Because the sound of my thighs jiggly was too loud.

And I didn’t want people to be offended by me clip clopping around like the elephant  I am.

Yes.

Those are crazy thinks.
I know.
But they swirl in my mind the way I want good thoughts to.

But it’s hard.

I’d also like to take a random moment to thank some of my new friends from Les Miserables.
Who let me tell them I suck.

And work hard to build me up.
Even when I feel like I’m falling apart.

And who are convinced I can.
When I’m sure I can’t.

Yeah, you guys are ridiculously awesome.

And to my dear friend Jacqui.
For being open with me, so I get to be open with you.

And listening to all my Crazy Thinks.
And thinking they’re crazy, too.
And loving me anyways.

And POWELL PACK!
For believing in me, before I could even dream of working on doing it for myself.


But I am not in a struggle.

I am living the life I always dreamed.
The I'm not perfect.
I'm me.
Life.

4 comments:

  1. A lot of these things are very close to home for me too. I'm always wishing I had someone to talk to about it, but at the same time my self esteem down in the dirt is too embarrassed and doesn't want to bring people down with it.

    Now, turning it to creative writing, as you do, that girl is awesome.

    It's talent flowing through that you may not even realize as sometimes inspiration comes from a dark place.

    But reading how other people with BDD reflect on themselves teaches me. Although it probably won't sink for me because I can't afford a therapist or health care. Im always trying to lift myself other ways.

    thanks for that today :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awe, Sabrina!
      Thanks!
      I LOVE your openness here too.
      It WILL sink in - in time. Is this really a post on patience? :)

      Delete
  2. Jami-Your honesty and courage never ceae to amaze me! You are so inspirational-and you give me courage to be open and honest with my feelings and my crazy thinking. You help give me strength as I am sure you help so many others. I only wish I could give you back some of what you give out! You are beautiful inside and out!! You rocked the bikini at your reveal and I am sure you would have rocked any bikini you bought. Day by day-minute by minute it will get better and you will realize and know what a beautiful woman you are!!You will believe it through and through! We can't wait to see you in Les Miserables.
    Love, Debbie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Debbie!
      Day by day!
      It's already getting better after a fabulous visit to CO!

      And as far as Les Miserables - I can't wait either!

      Delete