Integrity and Openness

I had a lot of ideas of what I wanted to write about Today, specifically.
But with the passing of Jett Jackson star, Lee Thompson Young, I'm compelled in a different way.

Before moving into this conversation, I do need, for my own integrity to say this:


Kristin Chenoweth, Galinda, you make me smile.
And while my heart has been heavy with worry about someone's integrity.
And manipulations.
And love for their family.

I am reminded it's much easier to pick out flaws in others.
Than it is to accept them in myself.
And realizing that is helping me - not so much forgive - that will take time - but press on into today's post.

On suicide.
It started early last week, when I read that Gia from the Bachelor was removed from life support after an attempt earlier in the week to take her life.

And then Lee Thompson Young.

Two young individuals with so much potential and such bright futures.
Such beautiful people.

And I am reminded in an almost too much way, how close my story came to aligning with theirs.
How on the night of shooting our first work out - I had slowly been slipping deeper and deeper into despair.

I couldn't comprehend how ANYONE liked me.
Or why I'd been chosen.
Or why I was there.
And I couldn't breathe under the weight of disappointing Chris and my production team.
How tightly I gripped both pill bottles in my room after filming wrapped.

Yeah, after filming wrapped.

I sat with my producer Ashley before going in to film, and she could tell something was really wrong.
"It's not us, is it?"  She asked, "It's not me, or anything production?  Because we just want you to be you."
No, I had responded, because it wasn't.
It was ALL me.
All overwhelmed.
Sad.
Ugly.
Me.

I made it through the filming of the work out.
And staggered back to my room.
And thought the bad thinks.

That everyone hated me.
That I had done a horrible job.
That people would be so disappointed.

So I took my bottles of pills and went to sit in the bathroom shower stall.
Because my roommate was there and I didn't want to wake her.

And I turned the shower on hot hot hot.
So hot, it burned.
And I opened one of the bottles.

And stared into it.
Sad.
Ugly.
Overwhelmed.
Overweight.

And I nearly became a statistic.
People often want to say I survived suicide.

I don't know if that's the case.
But I came close to attempting.

So what really happened.
Since obviously Chris Powell didn't pull me out of the shower.

Haha.

And my roommate was asleep.
Well, believe it or not.
I decided to go on one last walk.

I got up out of the shower.
And changed into my pajamas and went for a walk in the garden of our hotel.

And while I was walking.
I thought 100 racing thoughts.
About people who hated me.
And how much I hated myself.
And how ugly I was.
And how much I hated taking up space in other people's worlds.

And then, among all the racing thoughts and all the squeezing of bottles in my hands, I thought of my sister.
And how, even when I was so dramatic about the things going on in my life, she stayed calm.
And treated it like it was no big deal.
And we were going to get through it.

And I started to run in the garden.
And the combination of my sister, Jen, and the endorphins of my run provided clarity.
I was as alone as I wanted to be or view it.
I was as ugly and overweight as I wanted to be.
I hated myself as much as I wanted to.

And if I wanted to move past it.
I could.
It would be hard.
I would be sad.
And I might still hate myself some days.
But if I wanted to.

There was a way.

There was a mental shift.

A strength that came from the understanding that I was somehow in control of the story I would tell.
And for the first time.
It didn't end with my suicide.

Three months later, and two days before my 90 weigh in, I had another moment.
And this time, Jen was physically there to calm me down.

And tell me, that I was giving too much credence to people who didn't really care all that much about me.
And I, yes ME, I had the choice to give them that or to take it back.

So I did.

And Yes.
I know it's not that easy.
I get it.
I get it so much my heart hurts.

So if you are struggling.
If you connected with my Extreme Weight Loss story because of the suicide angle, I'm sending you to YOU MATTER , a site for suicide prevention and contacts and links.

I LOVE the 100 things you can do to survive the next 5 minutes.
(I use a lot of them when my thinks go somewhere I can't unthink them.)

14 comments:

  1. I love you so much!! Be you tiful made me smile! Thank you! I felt in love watching you! and I am hook to "YOU MATTER" I being in that thoughts of ending my life..when I was younger and like 4 years ago! Since than I being exploring me, me love, me love, me love! I can say is not easy,but it gets easier and today I love myself more than yesturday and living now, right now! Have a great day Beautiful.. I am proud of you! and you have my support for YOU MATTER!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Yesi!
      For kind words.
      For following along.
      For exploring yourself.
      And learning to love YOU.
      That's amazeballs!

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  2. <3 <3 I wish I had someone like you in my life ... just saying ... nice to know someone else gets it.

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    Replies
    1. You are NOT alone.
      One of the biggest and scariest truths for us all.
      :) That, and WE MATTER.

      Delete
  3. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story... You have to know you aren't alone in that emotion... & now you are helping others with it...

    Keep pressing on!

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  4. thank you for sharing your story. I have the same thinks sometimes. your time with us is for a reason. and it means much more than you will ever know. x

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  5. You are a true inspiration. I have been where you were. I am where you were. Seeing all that you have overcome has given me hope. Given me strength. Thank you!

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  6. I get having the realization or feeling like no one cares at all. No matter how kind I am...people still just stomp all over me.

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    Replies
    1. Breaks. My. Heart.
      You are NOT along.
      And no matter what anyone makes you feel.

      WE MATTER.

      Delete
  7. Jami,

    Thank you so much for being so open and honest!!! You are be you tiful!!!!!! And don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise!!! You are such an incredible woman of God!!! I can relate to you with a lot of what you have gone through and what you were feeling!! Thank you for sharing.. Not many people would be this honest so thank you for opening up! <3 Jen

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    Replies
    1. Thank YOU for the kind words.
      And reminding me I am a child of God. :)
      It's in that understanding that we are truly, never alone.

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