The Madness.

Set the scene.

Sprawled across the L couch on the chaise, shoulder supporting my head.
And you seated across, using the chaise as your foot rest.

We're those kinda friends.
Haven't always been.
But.

Mostly.
We are.

And I, as is usually the case, am having an anxiety attack.
My chest is tightening.
And I feel hot.
Like I need to cry more.
But I don't want to.
Not about this.
Not with you.

And your voice, as it had many times in the past.
Trying to calm it before it explodes.

And perhaps - for the first time in our friendship.
You understood me.
Before I understood myself.

"For the first time I think I get this.  I don't understand it, but I get it.  You aren't actually afraid of sucking.  I mean, YOU think that.  But more than that.  You're worried that everyone in that room will hate you.  Which is in the first place, ridiculous.  But in the second, you have zero control over it.  Let's for a minute pretend EVERYTHING goes perfect and the cast is Epic.  Everyone in that room could still hate you.  Everyone in that room could think you did the worst.  The best.  You have no control over that.  And trying to ensure you do - only drives YOU bonkers, because you are alone in that thinking.  We can't help you.

However, it seems to me that if you stop focusing on who might hate you.  And start to love what YOU'RE doing.  And loving it when it's great; when there are mistakes; when you screw up so bad you think there is no coming back; you stand to be successful a lot more often than not.  Because you get to define your success.  Did I just Chris Powell that?

Kryptonite.
Bam.
That happened."
*To the very best of my recollection.  The Kryptonite part - totally real life.

You did just Chris Powell and Therapy that.
And helped define my Madness for me.

How can I possibly ensure that everyone is happy.
With the show?
With the performance?
With my singing?

I can't.
BUT I SO WANT TO.

Instead.
I'm going to TRY and focus on what will define my success.
And to be fair.
I don't exactly know that right now.
But I know that doing my absolute best is going to be a big part of that.

And sleep.
Lots of sleep.
And good foods.
And lots of hugs.

Oddly.
That just sounds like taking good care of me.



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