Wings.

Can I be honest?
We open tonight.

And I have the worst cold I've had in...ever.
Save the pneumonia of Chile 2012
But.
I'm not nervous at all.
Vitamin C me.
Netty Pot.
Live.

We'll get it done.
And it will be beautiful and magical.

At this very moment I'm knee high in thank you notes.
Small-ily  blessed by the fact that there are some families in the show :).

And I had a memory.
I wanted to share.
It takes place on the Williston Campus Theater back in the early 90's.
To be fair.
I have no idea why I was there.
I bet one of my moms worked with someone who knew someone who needed help.
I really can't recollect.

But I was in the wings of their theater.
During a one act competition.
And did some stage managery type stuff.
I had a stop watch for the one act and everything.
It was legit.

And while I have no idea why I was there.
I do remember the feeling.
Of this big, wide, real theater.
And how very small I felt.
And privileged.
To be there.

Helping.
Because - you know me and helping.
I love that.

And I also remember the vivid SENSATION of - this is as close you get.
The sensation of that is so real.
"You'll never be an actress, ugly girl, never."
"And you can't sing."
"And you can't act."
"And don't get too close to the talent."

Yeah, that sensation is so vivid.
And untrue.

The tangled stories I've told myself over the years to feel comfortable.
To survive.
To never let anyone see the sadness and uncomfortableness.

Standing in the wings last night, during our final rehearsal.
There was barely a trace of that feeling.
I mean, it's not completely gone.
Trust.
But.
It's almost gone.

I'm going to be allowed to play Eponine.
That is going to happen.
And someone believed I could sing.
And act.
Some people still believe that.

And so, I want so terribly to hold onto this sensation.
The one that says.
Hey.
You.
Girl.
Not ugly girl.
Not you can't sing girl.
Just you.
Girl.
Eponine.
You've got this.
Go.

Sing.

And I will.
With the cast of all casts.
The most amazing group of people I've ever met.
Bar none.
And that's saying a lot because my Extreme Fam is pretty amazeballs too.
But this group.
This crew.
This posse.
They have every inch of my heart.
Dads.
Brothers.
BFFers.
Mamas.
Sisters.
Friends.
KILL it tonight.
Because you can.
And we will.

And on a total random thought.
First think.
"HOLY FAT FACE!"

Second think.
"Much better version of my Senior Photo, thanks for the chance to do that over again."

Third think.
"Head Shots."


Comments

  1. What a beautiful picture! I love the smile! It made me happy seeing the picture thank you for sharing....I read your posts about your "thinks" but I think it's an amazing photo of an amazing person who is living the life she's always dreamed!! Keep smiling! and I hope you feel better soon!! YOU ARE GOING TO ROCK IT!!!

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  2. Jami, you should be soooooo proud of yourself, and everything you've accomplished. Way to silence the crazy thinks! I miss our chats on Tuesday nights, and hope B.I.G is going well (and hope to be part of the next round). You will be FANTASTIC! Break a leg!!! DeniseMB

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