You are NOT Fat Anymore Part Deux.

I didn't realize.
My crazy thinks.
Were thought.
Felt.
And responded to by so many.

I got a lot of support.
Which I wasn't even really looking for.
That was a growth post.
Like.
Here I am.
Growing.
And everything, such as. :)

But.
It was EVD and Mrs. Engelson.
Who both said something.
That I was like.
Wait?
What?

"You are and have always been beautiful, kind, strong, loving and so amazing!"

But.
Wait?
What?

Really?
And as I sat with my little inside self.
She asked.
From the basement.
Of my "that's where I keep my feelings safe" life.
If I believed that.
If that could possibly be true.

And my facade self.
The one that holds it together for everyone else.
The one who pretends.
And conforms.
And paints a put together picture stopped.
Looked at my little self.
And thought hard.

"Have we always been beautiful, kind strong, loving and amazing?"
"Well..."
"Well.  Perhaps, but..."
"BUT?!"
"But.  Those are VERY big words.  With very big meanings."
"So..."
"So.  Those are VERY big words.  With very big FEELINGS."
"And..."
"And I don't know that sensory wise, I can handle feeling beautiful.  And kind.  And strong.  And loving.  And amazing.  I'm not even sure what NOT being fat anymore FEELS like."
"Strong?"
"Okay."
"Fun."
"Absolutely."
"Like taking kind care of ourselves."
"Yes, little one, I suppose it does feel like all of those things."

But feeling that all the time.
Feels.
Well.
It feels.

And feeling.
For me.
Is huge.
It's BIG.
And sometimes.
Scary.
And hard.
And thinking about the way you think about me.
Is something I'm not really ready to think.

Because the old me.
The one who is growing.
Used to want to control that.
The thinks you had of me.
Instead of just being ME.

And JUST being me.
Is work.
Hard work.
And I'm willing to work on it.
Grow me.
And while I'm growing.
Keep on with the kindness.
And sharing your feels.
Because your feels.
Made me feel: LOVED.
And HAPPY.
Which are pretty good feels to have.

So I challenge you.
Who think something like me.
To accept the love that is given.
The grace.
Kindness.
And love.
Because YOU deserve it.
No matter what you've been telling your little inside self.

The world is a better place WITH you in it.
You matter.


Comments

  1. Hmmm, the world is a better place with me in it. Sigh...........Working on believing that one......Diane

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is.
      You are.
      And I SO appreciate that you are.
      And it is. :)

      Delete
  2. Jami, I've tried so many times to reply to your blog but always, it deletes my comments..maybe this time it'll work ;)

    you inspire me, dear Jami. I sometimes read what you write, and think "whoa. how'd she get in MY head!"

    I hope you continue to grow, and love yourself. YOU matter...even to strangers, who live a world apart(like wayyyy up here in Canada!) :)

    *hug* (I'd really hug you!) :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AWE! So sorry you're getting deleted! That's not good.

      But.
      Thank you for your kind kind words.
      And for mattering.
      And for reminding me, I matter too.

      Delete
  3. I love the photo of you by the beach!!!You look so happy!!

    ReplyDelete

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