"You are not fat anymore."

WARNING: MEGA CRAZY THINKS POST.

The person who said this to me the other day, has since moved on with his life.
His day.
I'm sure.
I have no doubt.
He's a busy dude.

And yet.
The moment
He said it.
Time stood still.

Slow mo-ed.
All around me.

Life had crescendo-ed.
And all of the air and sound.
Removed from the theater.

But.
Really.
Time went forward.
Moved at normal pace.
A few minutes later we stood to practice the Epilogue.
And I tried not to suck it up on stage.

But time.
In my mind.
In my inner self stood still.

And lots of thinks rushed to the tip of my tongue.
"YES I AM."
"OF COURSE I AM."
"I'M NOT AS BIG AS AN ELEPHANT.  BUT A BABY HIPPO IS STILL HUGE!"
"IF I'M NOT FAT ANYMORE, WHAT AM I?  CHUBBY?  CHUNKY?"
"UGLY?"
In the moment, I looked at him.
And then laughed.
And redirected conversation, even as time around me stood still.

And while it was said in an off the cuff, we're friends, I can say this kind of way.

It was singularly:
The nicest thing anyone has yet to say.

It was firm.
He was right.
We weren't arguing.

He's a dad, and I thought, as time slowed down, if that's what my own dad would have said after this year on Extreme.
"You are NOT fat anymore, kid."
I don't have a dad.
So that's just speculation.

And my inner bonding, little girl self came running out of the basement where she usually languishes and asked my facade self:

"We're not?!"
And it took everything in my facade to answer honestly.

"No.  We are not fat anymore."
"But down there, in that sad place, I feel fat every minute.  Every second!?"

"I know."
"But if you KNEW, if you knew we weren't fat any more, why didn't you say something?!"
"Because."
"Because why?!"

"Because you'd just have other questions.  Like, if we're not fat, are we skinny?  And if we're not fat, does that mean we stopped being ugly?  And if we're not fat, are we liked?  And if we're not fat, are we cool?  And if we're not fat, are we loved?  And I don't know if I can handle the answer to those questions right now."

"Well..."
"I can't answer those questions for you now.  SO it's easier to think we're still fat."
"Are we?"

And as time sped up and the Epilogue music began to play and someone pushed me forward to sing more up front, I looked at my little girl self, and her sad eyes, and the tears as they welled, and sighed, a deep sigh.

"No, little one.  We are not fat anymore."
And she slowly stepped away and went back to the basement.

And I sang something about taking my hand.
And in the very deepest part of the pit of my stomach.
For the very first time in my life.
Ever.

I knew something about myself I never thought I could know, "I'm not fat anymore."




Comments

  1. Wow. <3 I think my little girl and I need to have a heart to heart. Diane

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh. you speak to my soul. and now I need a tissue. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :) Hope it was a GOOD cry!
      And REALLY hope to have you in B.I.G. Session 2! :)

      Delete
  3. How are you doing? Did you lose more weight? I loved your show I was in tears...Im really proud of you :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pascalie!
      I don't weigh myself anymore (bad for my brain).
      I was down another ten for a while.

      Not important.
      What is important, is that once a week, I put on my finale bikini.
      If it fits, I'm right where I need to be.
      It does.
      And I am.

      SO happy you were watching!

      Best,
      Jami

      Delete

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