Extra SMALL?!

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***WARNING***
I get sassy.
You may not like it.
But then.
That's the best part of this space.
You don't HAVE to.
You can skip reading.
Or post a comment.
Or read it and chuckle.
But it's an OPINION of mine.
Not stated fact of a clinician.
Just jamaze, talking jamaze. ;)

Wowee.

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I need to sleep.
Tomorrow, I start at a new school.
In third grade.
And I can't wait.

Not the point.

I wanted to once again say:
THANK YOU.

My inbox was flooded once again.
With beautiful emails and messages.
And photos.
And stories.
Thank you for reaching out.
I'm slowly working through them now.

To the 6 marriage proposals,
Thank you.
Too kind.
I'm just dating right now.
But thank you.


BIG Love!

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If you're new around here - or missed the announcement.
Or.
Are waiting patiently for your turn :).

B.I.G.
Is our Body Image Group.
It runs for weeks 6 weeks.
We meet Tuesday nights @ 8 for one hour.
We come from all over.
In different spots in our "self love".
We're learning and opening up.
And growing.
Together.
And session one.
Created some of the biggest shoes.
I could ever think of.

They were/are? Diverse.
Beautiful.
Open.
Kind.
Hopeful.
Hard thinkers.
Funny.
Did I already say Beautiful?

And Leaders.
The lot.

I was in Therapy last week and my amazeballs Therapist was trying to get me to accept the word Leader.
In her own kind way.
"I sense," she said, "You don't like that I'm trying to give you this word."
Uh.
Duh.
"But, you are.  And the best kind, because you're not trying to LEAD people, you're trying to be a part of the community.  And by being you and real.  You lead by example."

And yes.
I was filled with warm fuzzies about that.
Not because I felt like a leader.
But I could see everyone in our group as a Leader TOO!

When I started B.I.G., it came from knowing I didn't want to train.
Or be a personal trainer.
Couldn't really.
I didn't want to get Crossfit Certified.
Or be a nutritionist.
Or dietitian.
Couldn't.

Couldn't because.
Well.
For a lot of reasons.
Mostly.
Because.
I'm not qualified.
And more so.
Because.
I still need help.

Did I just say that out loud?
I'm still a work in progress.
I go to therapy.
And eating clinics.
And work with trainers.
To figure out how to live this life.
And therefore.

It would be VERY unhelpful.
For me to tell YOU.
What the right thing for you is.
Because.
Well.
I have no idea.

No.
That's not true.
I have ideas.
But.
I'm working the ideas just like you.

So B.I.G. comes from there.
Wanting to work on the way I feel about myself.
And talk to folks who want to do the same.

And boy howdy has it ever been amazing.
Insightful.
Bucket filling.
Some of the ladies came to see Les Miserables.
SO SO SO kind.
Some live here.
Or over there.

Some have cats.
Have kids.
Husbands.
Have had weight loss surgery.
Have weight to lose.
Have things they love.
Have had surgeries.
Teach health.
Teach.
Help.

But all of them.
Are loved.

And matter.

So.
If you want to apply for the next group of B.I.G. Session Two.
You can do that here: Apply Now!
If you've already applied and didn't make into the first group.
You're already on the list here.
And we'll do the Lottery in a few weeks.

More details are also found at that post.
Is it free?: YES!
Do I have to have access to a video chat: Yes! (We Google Hang Out)
Can I come in my Pj'S:  YUPPERS.
I'm nervous: WE ALL ARE.
Is it fun?: TONS.



E.M.R.

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The sun is not up.
The early morning clouds.
The early sounds of fall.
Leaves swirling.
Branches breaking.

The sound of my shoes hugging the pavement.
Lime green goodness.
I run to Broadway show tunes.
Yes.
I know.
If you know me in real life.
I SING along to Broadway show tunes.
Which is the difference between a 7 minute mile and a 13 minute mile.

Steps of the Palace.
Replay.

Wanted.
Replay.

10k 
Everyday.
Turning to cross the bridge.
Westfield River.
Lungs full of love.
Shoulder pain.

Never tired.
Speed up.
Intervals.

Dowtown.
Colors.
Commotion.
Saturday Trees.

Early Morning Sun.
Early Morning Run.

Maybe Next Time

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Keep Moving Forward.
Or why things are still hard.
And why I'm still a work in progress.

If you're a Les Mis friend, you'll want to listen to the beginning.
Where I remind you what I love the most about you all.

If you like singing, you should listen to the last 4 minutes.
If you find my talking voice as annoying as I do.
Fast forward :).

Love you.

Little Jami.

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This post is titled as such.
For Little Eponine.
Or my mini me.

We are NOT alone.

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Of all the lessons I’ve learned, this Extreme Year.
The most eye-opening has been this:

We are NOT alone.

And let me tell you why.

Don't Stop.

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Thinking about tomorrow.

It's Midnight.
I shouldn't be blogging.
But my double ear infection has a life of its own.

And I have thinks.
That I'm thinking.
So I wanted to write them.
Before I keep moving forward.

This weekend.
Will mark the 1/2 way point for the Les Miserables Experience.

And.
Can I take one more post.
To tell you what an experience it has been?

Because it's been Bomb.
Dot.
Com.

No.
Seriously.
If I could redo College.
It would look and feel a lot like this.
Like, when I tried out for A Chorus Line.
And wanted DESPERATELY to play Diana.
And Sing.
"Nothing."
LIFE SONG.

But really.
I didn't even get a call back.
Because that's real life.

I think about therapy yesterday.
When I talked about feeling like a runner.
When things are hard.
I run.

Because.
That feels safe.
And not having to feel unsafe is worth missing out on life.

Currently.
In my personal life.
There is a place I can run.
And.
I might just.

But.
Dr. Jill pointed out.
That she doesn't think I'm actually a runner.
And that made me feel…

Proud?
Examples being.
Not going back to a job I didn't want.
And taking on Les Miserables.

Because, as she pointed out.
The runners.
Well.
They go back to jobs they don't love.
Because it's too hard not to.
And they don't try out for things like Les Miserables.
Because the thought of breaking out of the zone is too much.

But.
I did.
Listen to me.
I did.
So proud.

It has NOT been easy.
Not even close.
Not even a little bit.
One need only read back a few posts to know that I question breaking that comfort zone.
Daily.

But.
It has been SO worth it.
First.
And Foremost.
To be able to play Eponine.
Who at 14.
Changed MY life.
Showed me what theater could be.
And OH, how she resonated with me.

15 years later.
It truly truly truly is a dream come true to bring her to life on stage.
With this cast.

Which, to my second point.
Is the family.
I so desperately needed.

I hadn't realized I'd be walking away from Crossfit so soon.
And leaving behind a tremendous community of people I love.
But it was something that arguably had to happen.
(I remember telling Dr. Jill what was about to happen and she looked horrified.)

In the wake of that.
Has been this cast.
Of crazy characters, kids, and mentors.
People who had the uncanny ability to not only fill in where once I had relied solely on the gym.
But really get ME.
In a very short period of time.

I do.
Sometimes.
Just want to all hold hands and sing One Day More.
For no other reason than we can.

The point of this love fest?
Well.
The big point is:
Don't Stop.

Don't self sacrifice.
Or hold yourself back.
Or not try.
Or make excuses.

That life is easy.
We know what happens there.
Nothing.

And yes, trying.
And letting go.
And no excuses and not stopping are HARD.
Duh.

And painful sometimes.
And sad.

But.
In the wake of all the hard.
Has been JOY.
Unfiltered JOY.
And high fives.
And hugs.
And lots of candy crushing.
And shared germs.
And smiles.
And uncontrollable giggles.
And lots of dirt.
And greasy hair.
And forgotten letters.
And books.
And Ewok Hair.
And Birthdays.
And prayers.
And really really really GREAT people.

And I could have.
Would have.
Missed all of that.
If I stopped.

So promise me.
You won't.
Keep moving forward.
Don't retreat back.
There is a Les Mis reference there about the troops and retreating.
But it is late.
And my mind needs rest.

Keep.
Going.