Don't Stop.

Thinking about tomorrow.

It's Midnight.
I shouldn't be blogging.
But my double ear infection has a life of its own.

And I have thinks.
That I'm thinking.
So I wanted to write them.
Before I keep moving forward.

This weekend.
Will mark the 1/2 way point for the Les Miserables Experience.

And.
Can I take one more post.
To tell you what an experience it has been?

Because it's been Bomb.
Dot.
Com.

No.
Seriously.
If I could redo College.
It would look and feel a lot like this.
Like, when I tried out for A Chorus Line.
And wanted DESPERATELY to play Diana.
And Sing.
"Nothing."
LIFE SONG.

But really.
I didn't even get a call back.
Because that's real life.

I think about therapy yesterday.
When I talked about feeling like a runner.
When things are hard.
I run.

Because.
That feels safe.
And not having to feel unsafe is worth missing out on life.

Currently.
In my personal life.
There is a place I can run.
And.
I might just.

But.
Dr. Jill pointed out.
That she doesn't think I'm actually a runner.
And that made me feel…

Proud?
Examples being.
Not going back to a job I didn't want.
And taking on Les Miserables.

Because, as she pointed out.
The runners.
Well.
They go back to jobs they don't love.
Because it's too hard not to.
And they don't try out for things like Les Miserables.
Because the thought of breaking out of the zone is too much.

But.
I did.
Listen to me.
I did.
So proud.

It has NOT been easy.
Not even close.
Not even a little bit.
One need only read back a few posts to know that I question breaking that comfort zone.
Daily.

But.
It has been SO worth it.
First.
And Foremost.
To be able to play Eponine.
Who at 14.
Changed MY life.
Showed me what theater could be.
And OH, how she resonated with me.

15 years later.
It truly truly truly is a dream come true to bring her to life on stage.
With this cast.

Which, to my second point.
Is the family.
I so desperately needed.

I hadn't realized I'd be walking away from Crossfit so soon.
And leaving behind a tremendous community of people I love.
But it was something that arguably had to happen.
(I remember telling Dr. Jill what was about to happen and she looked horrified.)

In the wake of that.
Has been this cast.
Of crazy characters, kids, and mentors.
People who had the uncanny ability to not only fill in where once I had relied solely on the gym.
But really get ME.
In a very short period of time.

I do.
Sometimes.
Just want to all hold hands and sing One Day More.
For no other reason than we can.

The point of this love fest?
Well.
The big point is:
Don't Stop.

Don't self sacrifice.
Or hold yourself back.
Or not try.
Or make excuses.

That life is easy.
We know what happens there.
Nothing.

And yes, trying.
And letting go.
And no excuses and not stopping are HARD.
Duh.

And painful sometimes.
And sad.

But.
In the wake of all the hard.
Has been JOY.
Unfiltered JOY.
And high fives.
And hugs.
And lots of candy crushing.
And shared germs.
And smiles.
And uncontrollable giggles.
And lots of dirt.
And greasy hair.
And forgotten letters.
And books.
And Ewok Hair.
And Birthdays.
And prayers.
And really really really GREAT people.

And I could have.
Would have.
Missed all of that.
If I stopped.

So promise me.
You won't.
Keep moving forward.
Don't retreat back.
There is a Les Mis reference there about the troops and retreating.
But it is late.
And my mind needs rest.

Keep.
Going.



Comments

  1. Trying not to run. It's so hard though. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of rejection......FEAR period. It's paralyzing and yet I'm somehow learning to push away the fear. Just so hard, so very hard. :-(

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