Confessions Part 1

These are my:
Like.
In real life.
It's a new series, here at We Matter.



In reality.
Of real life.
I don't really have that much to confess.
I'm pretty open.
And try to live fairly openly.
Thanks moms.
For that important life lesson.

And therapy.
Where we talk about just saying what we feel.
And knowing those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter isn't just something Dr. Seuss turned a phrase.

This series has been a few months in the making.
And in truth.
I had hoped to touch base with a few Extreme Weight Loss friends.
Before I attempted to say this out loud.
In the hopes that maybe they'd stop me.

But.
That's all a part of His plan.
So here we are.
Crazy thinks and all.
And the first confession.
Is pretty easy to make.

And that is:
Since November 1st, 2013.
I haven't had a single thought of suicide.

That being said, I think it's important to point out that my constant ticker tape of suicidal intonation does not sound to me like, "Kill yourself."
Never has.

What I hear.
In my heart.
On repeat.
Is.
How much better the world would be.
Without me in it.
And at some points in my life.
I can not only hear that.
I can justify it.
And in truth.
In confession.
Those thoughts.
Didn't stop after I confessed.
Didn't stop after I got therapy.
Didn't stop.
Not because Chris Powell.
Or amazing producers.

I can remember a really fun trip my favorite Producer and I took.
And on the ride home.
I thought.
She'd have had so much more fun with someone else.
If I wasn't here.
She'd have had so much more fun.
I should die.
And then she could have more fun.
She'd be happier.
Reflectively.
Obviously.
To me.
Now.
Post.
I doubt she thought that.
She was really busy concentrating on driving.
She's good people.

Another producer and I spoke around Christmas.
Right before surgeries.
And I remember feeling strong on the phone.
About not qualifying for surgery
But inside my body.
I was thinking.
His job would be so much easier.
If I wasn't here.
If I wasn't in the world.
He'd be able to do this job better.
I should just die.
And obviously.
This guy.
Is amazing at his job, BECAUSE I was a mess.
And still qualified :).
He's good people.

But this isn't just about production.
It happened in the world all around me.
At work.
At school.
In family.
Maybe the worst in family.
They'd all be happier.
Better.
Without me.

Not.
True.
But it lived within me.

Now.
If you head back a few posts.
You can read all about my most recent brush with death.
And how, as my car was careening out of control, my last thought before I died, was "I was so loved!"

And that night.
Is officially.
The moment.
I started counting days of healthy thoughts.
And since then.
November 1st.
I haven't had a single unhealthy thought about taking my life.
If you're counting, EVD, that's twenty three days.
And counting.

My head is clearer.
Heart healthier.
And happier.
Hope lives here.

That confession given.
There is a reason.
A solid.
Therapeutic reason.
That they have all but gone.

And friendship is totally a part.
And therapy too.
And emails with great producers.
And happy photos.

But.
The real confession.
Is.
That the healthy thoughts.
Come.
From.
Food.

And Confessions.
Part Deux.
Will delve into why my relationship with food.
Kept me firmly attached to my suicidal thoughts.

And how.
In the last 23 days.
Hopefully by the next post.
A few more.
Have found a balance.
Of food.
And water.
And eating.



Comments

  1. Wonder if my thoughts will ever stop. Don't see it happening, but your story gives me a little hope.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ms E isn't the only one counting. I love this post. Made my heart smile. I am so glad to have you as my friend.

    ReplyDelete

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