Confessions Part 2


Need to catch up?  Part One Here :)
I sat.
As I often do, on Thursday evenings.
In Dr. Jill’s office.

Talking about the latest manic episode.
Where I stayed up until 4am.
On the phone with a friend.
Crying.
About what a mess I was.
And how.
I just wanted this to be over.
And this friend.
As he often did.
Asked.
Two questions.
When was the last time I slept?
Yesterday?
48 hours ago?
And more importantly.
The last time I ate.

I paused.
He laughed.
And I told him, I’d forgotten to eat dinner.
Which wasn’t untrue.
But.
Really.
I had then also forgotten to eat.
Lunch.
And breakfast probably.

So he urged me.
To eat.
And sleep.
And rethink things in the morning.

And things.
Thinks.
Whatever.
By the light of morning.
And sleep.
Were much calmer.
Much better.

And now, a few days later.
By the light of Dr. Jill’s office.
I was trying to figure out.
If maybe I was really bi-polar.
And IF, medication was the answer.

And she could tell.
As my body shifted.
And shifted.
And shifted.
That I am uncomfortable with the thought of medication.
In general.
Not just for mental health.
But I said, aloud.
Then and now.
That if I need it.
I will take it.

But.
There was something else.
And Dr. Jill started working backwards.
“If you are sleeping okay.”
I’m not.
“If you’re drinking enough water.”
I’m not.
“If you’re exercising.”
I am.
“And eating.”

The room stopped.
And I shifted again.
And without even thinking about it.
I made a horrified look on my face.
And she asked, as she often does,
“What’s that face?  What just happened.”
“I don’t want to say.”
“Well.”
“I…I…I don’t want to say.”
“Because?”
“Because.  I don’t want to be that broken.
Divulge my last secret.”

And the air, sucked from the room.
As I looked at her.
And then the ceiling.
And then breathed deeply.
And let tears fall.

“I’m not eating, well.”
I managed.
And the room and Dr. Jill, in my mind, stood stale.
Frozen.
Hardened by my confession.
And I fought inwardly about what I really meant by Not Eating Well.
Until.

“Well, okay then, “ Dr. Jill responded, “That’s good news.”

Good news, my little self thought trembling,
GOOD NEWS?
That I’m down here.
Starving.
Afraid to put calories and good food inside my body.
Afraid the image I see in the mirror is real.
An elephant.
The size of Dallas.
Afraid that while a size 4/6 fits.
It’s not real.
That someone has whited out the 2 of the 24 and 26.
Afraid that people really see a hefalump.
And even more afraid that I’m so crazy.
That I can’t see it

“Tell me about not eating.”
I swallowed hard.
Because.
The not eating was caught in the back of my throat.
And I was having trouble breathing.

Little self.
From downstairs.
Tried to say.
Keep it down here.
With me.
This truth.
Keep it down here.

And Façade self.
Of course.
Tried desperately to keep the cellar door closed.

And so.
It was higher self.
Who quietly announced.
From above.

Let.
It.
Be.

And so.
I looked at Dr. Jill.
At the side.
And then back again.
And confessed.

The thing that I had been trying so desperately so swallow.
And that had taken all the air from the room.

I.
Have.
An.
Eating.
Disorder.

And Dr. Jill.
Infinitely wise.
Shifted herself in her own chair.
Wow.
Okay.

Truth.
As my anchor.
Began to fill the room.

And for the first time in months.
I swallowed.
Really swallowed.

And breathed.
Really breathed.

Because.
You see.
April 6th, 2013.
Was my finale on Extreme.

And the weeks that followed.
Were like a hundred health and wellness shows being filmed in my real life.
And everyone.
Absolutely everyone.
Had ideas about what would be best for my real life.
How much I should exercise.
How much I should eat.

All of it.
But.

None of it.
Was me.

And in the midst of trying to do what everyone else thought was right.
I became Extremely overwhelmed.
And decided.
To do nothing.
Not eat.
And just keep moving forward.
Because if I didn’t take in calories.
I wouldn’t gain weight.
(Right?)
And so.
Life had persisted this way for weeks.

Until Joli and Ken.
My home trainers.
Sat me down in my real life gym.
And told me.
I was off the floor.
Until I started eating.

And now that this post is five pages long.
We’ll save the rest of this confession.
The pieces caught in the back of my throat.
The ones that make me feel like I failed.
And I’m huge.
And eating a piece of raisin will make me gain 1000 pounds.
How they came to rule my life for a few weeks months.
And more so.
How a few key moments and people in my life, brought me back.
To a semblance of “getting healthy.”

3 comments:

  1. Jami, as always your posts hit incredibly close to home. I am so proud of you for admitting it and moving towards healing and health. Maybe one day I can do the same. Thank you for your vulnerability and genuineness. Keep fighting love!

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  2. Aaaaaawwwwwww! :'( I wish I was there 2 hug u.....I understand that u never want to go back to 292 pounds....I never want to go back to 238 pounds....im 141 now!........I try not 2 obsess over the scale or counting calories......which is why I make performance goals.....I ran my first 5k Thanksgiving in a little over 30 minutes.....ive learned running is a mental sport....the first mile I doubt myself....after that the mental conversation is positive.....I can't becomes u can because u r doing it.....and I repeat the thought quite a few times:).........Fear is a liar....ive had my battle with anxiety.....and im winning through positive affirmations. ...speak kind words/phrases 2 yurself......chamomile tea relaxes me......When I get anxious I pray and read the Bible....Exercise is definitely a stress reliever:).....Im so proud of u 4 confessing yur struggle.....I feel it could happen 2 me too just as easily.....I too am going through an emotional transformation as well......Transformation is physical, emotional, and spiritual.....The whole person must b transformed or progress made may be lost.....I will keep u in my prayers that yur emotional, physical, and spiritual health will improve!....I read chris' s book Choose More Lose More and it has helped me not b as restrictive! ......Please eat if not yur body will retain water, fat, and lose muscle.....not eating is actually counterproductive!......Remember self-love is just as if not more important than weight!♡♥♡♥♡

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  3. As always I LOVE your posts. They hit me right to the core. See myself in you in so many ways. Thanks for being so brave, honest, vulnerable. It helps me and so many people that you'll never realize. God bless.

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