Confessions Part 3


Part One
Part Two

I am pretty transparent.
No.

Seriously.
I am.
J
And.
So.



I also wanted to follow up that the good news Dr. Jill talks about in Confession Deux.
Is.
Good news surrounding the fact that there were other reasons for my rapid mood swings.
And unsteady feelings.

And so, it was only a matter of time.
Before Ken and Joli pulled me in to chat.

About Crosffiting.
And not eating.
And making myself throw up.
There.
I said it.
And at the same time.
Tried to bury to lead ;).

And so.
As I stood, back against the wall.
The conversation started with.
We love you.
And we never want you to feel like you can’t come to the gym.
Because it is your home too.
But.
We love you.
Enough to tell you.
You’re off the gym floor.
Until you figure out eating.
And keeping food in that body of yours.

I’ll never forget, later that week “Zelda” and I were chatting.
And she was like, “It looked pretty intense in there.”
And I remember thinking, sometimes, when people care about you.
It’s intense.

And I felt then, as I do now.
That I am loved.
And this is real life.
And eating.
And exercise will always be a struggle.
Always.
And maybe Jacqui and Dr. Julie are right.
And it won’t.
But waiting for that.
Would slowly eat me alive.

Bigger still.
This feeling that if I don’t do it right.
I fail.
And if I fail.
You hate me.
And if I stumble.
I’m worthless.

That was May 2013.
Almost 7 months later.
And so much has changed.
I could seriously.
Truly.
Really.
Care less.
If I fail.
Or stumble.
Because.
It.
Is.
Not.
My.
Plan.

People I was convinced would be there.
That I “needed”.

Were not.
And assuredly I learned, I never REALLY needed those people.
There were plenty of others.
To assist.
Check in.
Tell me.
It’s going to be okay.
And really.
It’s going to be okay.
And it gets better.
And really, it gets so much better.

Do I still struggle daily with an eating disorder?
Yes.
Daily.

If I am honest with you.
Yesterday.
I had two bode burns.
And a handful of almonds.
320 Calories
And this morning a bagel.
This morning. 600 calories.
And Gluten.

And I think constantly.
About the rush or high I get from eliminating food from my body.
Too much information?
Suffice to say.
I am.
A Work.
In Progress.

A beautiful creation of God.
With a plan for greatness.
That will struggle.
And stumble.
Fall 100 times.
Get up again.
Throw up again.
Go to therapy.
And out patient support groups.
And struggle.

And win.
And lose.
And be loved.
Every step of the way.
And that.
More than anything else I’ve GAINED this year.
Is the best prize.
Reward.
Present.
I’ve received.

There is a lot of irony in this post.
Since early on production wanted there to be an eating disorder story line.
And they even edited me together saying I only ate 400 calories.
When I really ate, 1200 religiously.
And sometimes got down to 400 MILLIGRAMS of sodium.
Editing Bay Magic.

I never suffered from a traditional eating disorder on the show.
Just my own mania.

I know a lot of you will are interested in learning more about Outpatient Therapy this summer.
And it was awesome.
Stay tuned for Confession #4.

And thank you.
For hanging in.
Reading crazy thinks.
And love love loving me. All the same.

Comments

  1. Jami you are definitely loved! Even by random fans that read your posts religiously :) Thanks for sharing your story and being so open. You help me to deal with my own issues, too. It's less scary to face the bad things when you feel like you are not alone in it. I have been on a weight loss journey since last July. I've lost about 40 pounds and am feeling great but I have noticed that every once in a while there is a voice inside my head that tells me not to eat. It likes to tell me that not eating is the only way I'll continue to have success. I ignore it. I'm definitely eating. But, it's there. Which is crazy because I've always been an over-eater... my entire life. I wonder if people who have historically had disordered eating in terms of taking in too many calories are more prone to disordered eating (too few calories, etc) when they lose weight. I'm not sure why that is, but there seems to be a trend there. I will keep fighting.

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  2. I love and adore you Jami. You're vulnerability and complete honesty on these posts inspire me to look at myself and my situation - to somehow come to a point to love and adore me. The crazy thinks can sure kill us if we continue to listen to them and with you as leader in 'smashing or shutting up' the crazy thinks WE CAN DO IT. Thank you. Keep fighting the good fight. I'm taking a step in the right direction to do so myself. <3 you! Diane from B.I.G group 1

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  3. You matter....and you are whole! A child of God....I too struggle with emotional eating,,,a roller coaster! Stay strong and keep up your transparency!

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