Pasta Carbanara and Memphis

It's almost my birthday.
Almost. :)

31 years.
To celebrate.

So, as we should begin any good celebration, I went to hang with my gym besties.
And they decided to cook me a meal.

That I was sure I wasn't going to eat.
And Memphis, arguably, my favorite basset hound, thought so, too.
As he stared longingly at the bacon I tossed around in the bowl.
And the gluten free pasta lovingly prepped by Paragon.
Who besides being a life saving Fireman in real life.
And amazing trainer.
Is also, a fantastic chef.
Any wonder why he's married to Wonder Woman, I mean?

I have to ask them for the cookbook info.
Because - IMHO - it was the best book I've seen.

While I sat with some of my favorite people in the history of mankindlife, and watched Josh and his mom, Kathie on Extreme Weight Loss Season 4, I moved the pasta around in my bowl.
And watched Memphis, watch me.

Paragon peppered my pasta.
And I sipped my red bull.

Katsby, who was also there, asked whether or not I was going to eat.
And if I was.
Would I keep it down?

And am I working on making that better?
In my life.

I, of course, responded of course, to am I working on that.

To which Katsby offered,
"Yeah, but, really?  Or is that just bs?"

And a beat went by as we made eye contact and I offered the truthful response which is that,

I am really working on that.

Working on it doesn't mean I get it right all the time.
Eating Disorders.
Are a part of me.
And I will spend the journey of my life seeking to balance eating and less disorder.

By the end of the episode, I had consumed 2/3rds of the meal.
Appeased my crew.
Fed Memphis.

And decided, there was no way I was keeping it down.

Unknown oil.
And bacon.
So much bacon.

I couldn't.
The food was boiling inside of me and by the time I made it home, I must have gained a billion pounds.

I stood in the mirror.
In that long, grey, size small skirt from Marshalls.
And tears of oil and bacon welled in my eyes.

And the pain of having a disorder that, I choose to wear freely so as not to live in shame,
and can sometimes,
fill me with so much pain and regret,
that I just can't keep it inside.

You are huge.
You are...huge.
You are huge.
Hung in the mirror staring back at me.

And then.
As if, all at once.
I thought of my besties from the gym.
And how.
In my real life.
In the body I am in right now.

I am loved.
And all again, as if all at once, what had once been youarehugeyouarehugeyouarehuge...



You are loved.
You are LOVED.

And that made me smile.
And the thought of Katsby poking me.
And Paragon sitting way closer than is comfortable.

And how.
With them.
My gym besties.
Close is good.
Side by side eating bacon and oil.
And pasta.
Is good.

I am loved.

And my last thought before I fell asleep.
Filled with Pasta Carbanara.
I AM working on it.
No bs.
And there are nights.
Like tonight.
When I haven't eaten all day.
Where I get it right.
And enjoy the people.
And the food.
And the living.



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