Self.

*Written in April.
But totally applicable at different points in my life.

I keep putting off this blog post.
Don't ask me why.
Being vulnerable really isn't the issue.
That's my life.
And I'm positively happy sharing it with you.
The brokeness - that is.
But.

It's more like - being crazy in front of you.
That scares me.
And Dr. Jill would say, it's not about crazy.

But.
Honestly.
It feels.
Crazy.



Ok.
That's not exactly how I feel at this moment.
It's more like.
Everyone would be better.
Without me.

It is an overwhelming, suffocating feeling.
That to function in public around it - at times - is impossible.

And this feeling - has truly, never gone away.
No matter what.
Goodness.
Or light.
Kindness
Or Joy.

No matter how many incredible people invade the space I live in.
Or love me.
It is ever present.
And in every way distorts any attempt to build me up.
::I'm sorry I take up so much space in the world::

"You look amazing!"
Translates to "You disgust me."
"You're creative, where do you get those amazing ideas!"
Translates to "Everyone hates you."
"You have an amazing talent."
Translates to "Why do you even bother?  Everyone would be better..."

I can not explain it to you anymore than that.
Except to tell you the translations are painful.
Inside my body.
I want so badly to hear you.
All of you who sprinkle my life with unending goodness.
And I try.
Fiercely.

Dr. Jill and I once tried to get to the root of the translations -
I could not then.
And I can not now - explain to you why this happens.

Because the translation is not comforting or safe.
It is not self serving or helping -
It's lonely.
And debilitating.
And it rings in my ears.
Constantly.
There are words complimented years ago - that ring with the self loathing I have always known.

Tonight  - one of my dear friends and I were talking about something written about me.
And how he was so excited for me.

We've been friends long enough for him to know - it was painful for me to read.
"How do you feel?"
I sucked in hard.  A deep breathe caught in my throat.
"I can't own that."
"Why?"
"Because.  It translates to - everyone hates me."
...
"I can not explain that to you.  But it is crushing me."

He went for the hug because sometimes, that's all he CAN do.
And he's a doer.
Into his shoulder, I repeated, "Crushing me."

So we put in a movie.
And chose to pick up the words that were crushing me and indulge in a little Serendipity.

At these times.
When the translations crush me.
And this crush has been building for months.
Sometimes all we can do is laugh.
Tell funny stories.
Watch a favorite movie.
And read affirmations.
Like these.


The most crushing feeling within these translations is that...it all happens on the inside.
And the facade assures you - I'm okay.

Even though, I'm being crushed.

This post got real serious.
And almost - too real.
Maybe that's what keeps the world from collapsing in on me.
A little note to you.
That I am here.
And even with a thousand things mistranslating into my brain.

Little self.
Holds onto mattering.
I love you matterers.
Most of all, tonight.
Right now.
As you are.

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