Re-Air and Refresh ;)

March is always sentimental.

It's the time of the year the entire Extreme Weight Loss casting process started in Philly.
At the same time, I had just moved to Philly from Massachusetts, leaving my biological sister in the Western MA area after meeting her for the first time and having her move in with me in MA.
Started dating Joseph.
Had just started the Rock school a few months before.

Was falling in love with my kids.
And just lost Polina in a tragic accident.

March was literal madness.
In some amazing and not so amazing ways.

When the show ended and aired - life progressed forward.
Somehow on fast forward.


Try out for musical.
Land role as Eponine.

Apply for teaching job.
Start teaching 3rd grade at the Disney World of Elementary Schools.

Reconnect with old love.
Fall HEAD over heels.

Dream of attending the Tony Awards.
Attend the Tony Awards.

Travel to see the cast of Season 4.
Run the Warrior Dash.

Agree that NYC is our space.
And put down some roots.

Fall in LOVE with my school
And let's face it - my kids.

And I LOVE my days these days.
Intermixed here is a lot hard things.

Like travel the road of a nasty eating disorder.
That honestly.
Still wages a battle against my body and mind.

Though the Frida Kalho dress I'm rocking today says I'm more confident than I really feel.
I run.
I eat.
I actually eat.

I don't count calories and haven't stepped on a scale in YEARS.
I am not currently BDD clean.
I purge.
I make mistakes.
And I wrack my body trying to gain control of other things by controlling the intake and output of food.

Heidi has always called this perfectly imperfect.
This Authentic Heidi - is my absolute favorite :).


The brokeness I just typed:

While on the show and immediately following - it did.

And now.
After a little....TON...of therapy...keeping it only explains a piece of me.

As does any snapshot of life on TV.
In a blog.
In random photos on facebook, instagram or twitter.

Snippets from a life lived well.
That was a long way of saying - tonight TLC wherever you are will re-air Jason and Rachel's episode.

To say that I love them is an understatement.
Letting pieces of my EWL family go into oblivion was difficult, but a necessary part of moving forward.  I'll be watching tonight, just to hear Rachel's laugh and see the twins.
And remember it all.

Next Thursday TLC will re-air my episode.
And I'll refresh my memories of that time.
And those people.
The Lauren's
And the Jason's
and Tom's

and Tina's and Kristen's.

Who defined my life at that time.
And I will be refreshed at the same time.
That my life now is different.
Better even.
More loved.
More loving.
More open.
And free.

Harder in some ways.
I travel WAY more than I ever did before.
Less money.
More bills.
Less time to be with more people.
And I wish I had more time for EVERYONE.

But all in all.
My life is beautiful.
And I'll be watching next week.
Not in vanity.

But in sanity.
That in that insane time.
A little more put together - WHOLE person emerged with a theater family.
And true love.
And a passion for singing.
And for mattering.
And being seen.

And honestly?
That's WAY more than I ever could have dreamed at 290 pounds.


  1. thank you so much Jami. I just watched your story and you are such an inspirational person. Thank you.


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